Life on the battle field

Sometimes the hardest thing about each day is not giving up.

How easy it would be to just give in, give in to the constant pain, give in to the constant fatigue. How easy it would be to just live a simple life, doing nothing but resting.

There are days, dark days, when I come close.

Close to just packing it all in, wondering why I bother with the constant stress, the constant worry. Why am I fighting? What’s the point?

And it is a possibility, that there is no point. That in 2, 5, 10 years, I will end up with a fantastic degree and no health to use it. That after everything I put in, I will end up just where I might as well go now. That all the extra time and effort I put into upping those grades just that extra little bit, will be meaningless.

Maybe it’s my stubborn brain, and perhaps I should be thankful for that, the stubborn competitiveness in me that always wants to get the best marks and be on top.

Maybe it’s my children, the want for a better future for us, our own home, a pet Chihuahua, security and comfortable living. I would move heaven and earth for them, move mountains and cross seas, no matter what state I was in.

It’s actually taken me a couple of sessions across an entire day to write this post. Tonight I want to give up, things I know I know aren’t there, I’m behind on prep and there are things which I wanted to investigate that I am running out of time to do. I am done. I feel like I am going to fail. As the tears fall around me, the fuzzy endless mind block and pain and fatigue grips me. I am done.

But I won’t give up. I never do.

The tears will dry, the sun will rise again and like every day before it, I WILL keep moving. I WILL keep trying. Because no matter the outcome at the end of this journey, I want to say, that despite it all, all the pain, all the weakness, all the stupid nights of stupid brain fog, I did it.

As long as I keep going and keep swimming.


Coming in second

Second year is certainly a step up.

Its been a couple of weeks now since we all came back to start our second year and it certainly is taking its toll. I haven’t been well with my fibro recently and the fatigue is certainly making the increase in workload difficult. Along side this I seem to be suffering with everything going. I started off last month with tonsillitis, which then merged into a seemingly unending bout of sore throat. Im still not 100% there, and now I am fighting a bad cold.

So all in all it hasn’t been great and I am starting to panic about falling behind.

I need to get organised.

I have finally managed to figure out all my timetables and lab groups, something that seems to be even harder and more complicated this year! And I have also started something called a bullet journal. Its only in early days at the moment and I have only really had it properly set up a couple of days, so once I am more used to it and seen how it goes over a protracted period of time I will let you guys know what I think!

Theatre is going well, I am now co-directing the panto, so this is certainly different! More info to come as and when we have booked some venues, but the show itself if definitely shaping up well!

Things are slowly getting there in my household at last, finally managed to get a new fridge freezer and rid of the separates so this is very….very…cool. Its so roomy and in one place lol.

So yeah thats basically my jumbled update on life, unfortunately things like this seem to be coming in second place at the moment (see the title does make sense haha) much like my health to everything else. But I really do hope to write some better and more frequent content for you all soon, maybe I should put it in my bullet journal!