Life on the battle field

Sometimes the hardest thing about each day is not giving up.

How easy it would be to just give in, give in to the constant pain, give in to the constant fatigue. How easy it would be to just live a simple life, doing nothing but resting.

There are days, dark days, when I come close.

Close to just packing it all in, wondering why I bother with the constant stress, the constant worry. Why am I fighting? What’s the point?

And it is a possibility, that there is no point. That in 2, 5, 10 years, I will end up with a fantastic degree and no health to use it. That after everything I put in, I will end up just where I might as well go now. That all the extra time and effort I put into upping those grades just that extra little bit, will be meaningless.

Maybe it’s my stubborn brain, and perhaps I should be thankful for that, the stubborn competitiveness in me that always wants to get the best marks and be on top.

Maybe it’s my children, the want for a better future for us, our own home, a pet Chihuahua, security and comfortable living. I would move heaven and earth for them, move mountains and cross seas, no matter what state I was in.

It’s actually taken me a couple of sessions across an entire day to write this post. Tonight I want to give up, things I know I know aren’t there, I’m behind on prep and there are things which I wanted to investigate that I am running out of time to do. I am done. I feel like I am going to fail. As the tears fall around me, the fuzzy endless mind block and pain and fatigue grips me. I am done.

But I won’t give up. I never do.

The tears will dry, the sun will rise again and like every day before it, I WILL keep moving. I WILL keep trying. Because no matter the outcome at the end of this journey, I want to say, that despite it all, all the pain, all the weakness, all the stupid nights of stupid brain fog, I did it.

As long as I keep going and keep swimming.


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